


What He Couldn't Murder

by Nicicia



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 11:32:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2466692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicicia/pseuds/Nicicia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua had fought desperately to erase a particular torture endurance training method from his memory, but his conditioned body had not forgotten. Killua's past catches up to him in the worst moment, in front of the one person who was never supposed to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What He Couldn't Murder

**Author's Note:**

> My take on an idea floating around online.
> 
> Warning: This contains some really sensitive subject matter. I make no claims on being an expert in these matters. This is a work of fiction.
> 
> Characters aged-up to about 16-17.

The kiss was sweet. Literally. Some caramel from the XXL plate of ice cream dessert still coated Gon’s soft lips. Killua got a taste of the lingering ice cream sauce when the tip of his tongue touched Gon’s bottom lip. He wanted to taste it more -- the caramel and Gon. Mostly Gon.

As though reading his thoughts, Gon parted his lips and his tongue tentatively entered Killua’s mouth.

Killua met Gon’s tongue with his own. The saliva from Gon’s mouth was even sweeter than his lips. A small moan spilled from his throat before he could hold it back.

Gon pulled back a bit and breathed into Killua’s mouth. “You taste sweet,” Gon hummed, voice deeper and thicker than usual. “I like it a lot.”

A flush rushed up Killua’s neck and warmed his skin. He turned his head away from Gon’s. “I-Idiot.” Oh crap, why did he have to stutter? Things were just getting good. _Very_ good. He didn’t want this moment to turn embarrassing. He faced Gon again and mumbled. “Well duh. We just ate dessert. You taste sweet too, you know.”

Gon smiled, his lips glistening. “Do I? Is it good?”                                                                                                                                 

Killua’s entire body heated.“Y -- You -- Wh-!”

Gon’s lips flashed a playful grin and then claimed Killua’s mouth again, harder this time. One of his hands settled on the nape of Killua’s pale neck and applied a gentle amount of pressure to tilt Killua’s head closer.

Tension flickered up Killua’s spine, but then he let himself relax into Gon’s palm. When someone touched his neck they usually meant to strangle him. He wasn’t quite used to hands so close to his vital spots outside of life and death situations yet. But being with Gon...was changing him. He grabbed hold of the front of Gon’s dark green tee-shirt with one hand, and put the other on Gon’s strong shoulder.

A low moan rumbled deep in Gon’s throat. He licked the back of Killua’s teeth and deepened the kiss further. His hand moved up and caressed Killua’s cheek.

Killua’s mind melted, his senses overloading. Gon’s taste, scent, and body heat wrapped around him and claimed him. His heart fluttered, and his stomach tingled. _More..._ He pressed his upper body closer to Gon’s and put more pressure into the kiss. _Closer..._

Gon’s other hand moved to Killua’s waist and stroked slow circles.

The warmth from Gon’s palm burst through Killua’s shirt and into his skin.  He sighed against Gon’s mouth and pulled back a bit to catch his breath.  Was this really happening? If this continued... they might go further than ever before. Maybe even as far as... He dared not finish the thought. He put his mouth back against Gon’s and licked across Gon’s bottom lip.

Gon hummed in appreciation. He removed the hand from Killua’s face and petted Killua’s shoulder. “Killua? Can I try something ?”

Killua stilled for a moment. He liked what they were doing, but curious what Gon had in mind. “...Yeah...Okay, sure. I guess.”

Gon smiled tenderly. His eyes twinkled. He planted a quick kiss on Killua’s jawline, and then moved his mouth to Killua’s neck where he paused, asking for permission. His hot breath brushed against Killua’s sensitive skin.

Killua’s skin tingled. He leaned closer. _It’s fine._

Gon kissed Killua’s neck with care, moving his lips slowly and finishing each kiss with a swipe of his tongue.

Killua shuddered, a pleasant buzz rolling up his spine.

As Gon reached Killua’s collarbone, he put more pressure into his kisses. Both his hands now roamed Killua’s torso, one brushing across his ribs, the other trailing down his belly. Gon was in a trance, fully concentrated on feelling Killua’s body and tasting his skin.

Killua moaned. The heat enveloping him was almost scorching. It made his blood rush. He might have been standing under the summer sun. He reached up with one hand and tangled his fingers in Gon’s messy black hair. The other held on tight to Gon’s shoulder.

Gon made a rumbling sound between a deep hum and a growl. He licked where Killua’s neck met his shoulder and suckedwhile slowly trailing a hand up Killua’s thigh.

Killua’s stomach flipped and back tensed. He lost focus of Gon’s mouth. His own heartbeat pounded in his ears.  The hand burned on his thigh and claimed his entire attention.

The hand slid down his inner thigh, creeping closer and closer to his crotch...

Too close!

An electric jolt shot up Killua’s spine. “S-Stop!” He shoved Gon away, barely remembering to hold his strength back, and lurched backwards.

“Killua?” Gon blinked up at him in surprise from the floor, as though coming out of a daze, and then concern brimmed in his eyes. “Are you o-”

“I’m so sorry!” Killua’s chest heaved. He gulped down mouthfuls of air in an effort to calm down. He noticed he was standing. He had shot up off the sofa on pure reflex -- the same manner he would escape an attack! He moved his trembling hands behind his back. _Can’t let Gon see!_   “I -- I didn’t mean to do that.  It was just a reflex. I’m sorry, Gon."  _Please don’t ask about it._

Two seconds of ringing silence weighed heavy on Killua’s shoulders. He feared his knees might buckle.

Finally, Gon spoke. “It’s okay, Killua. You didn’t hurt me or anything.” Gon leaned forwards as though he wanted to get up and approach Killua, but held himself back. “But you are okay, right? Was it something I did? Did I do something bad?” Sitting on the floor, leaning back on his hands, it was strangely unnerving how innocent Gon looked despite his broad shoulders and defined jaw.

The softness in Gon’s voice almost undid him. Killua’s heart clenched. He bowed his head to stare at his own feet. It scared him how Gon’s sincerity made Killua want to spill his darkest secrets, yet spare Gon from them at all costs. With a small shake of his head, he forced reassurance into his tone. “It’s fine. You didn’t do anything bad, Gon.” He slowly looked up.

Relief broke out across Gon’s face, though a flicker of caution still lingered in his gentle eyes.  He exhaled and jumped to his feet. “Oh, that’s good.”

Killua held back a sigh of relief. Gon appeared to be unhurt. He hoped this meant Gon would let the incident die out, at least for now.

Gon actually did sigh, and then run a hand through his messy hair. “So...” His mouth stretched into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Do you wanna...continue or...?” Gon started towards him.

Killua’s upper back pressed against the wall. A drop of cold sweat trickled down his temple. “Sure.” He put on a small, strained smile. “I think I’ll take a shower first, though.”

Gon paused. “Oh, okay.” Gon’s tone was casual, yet the uneasy undertone did not escape Killua. “Then we can take this to bed when you’re done?”

“Deal.” Killua darted past Gon and straight for the bathroom. He moved his still quivering hands to his front, away from Gon’s sight. He called upon as much bravado he could muster to call back. “Don’t fall asleep before I get back.”

Before Gon could answer, Killua closed the bathroom door with an iron grip on the doorknob and almost broke it off. The silence rang in his ears. His clothes stuck to his clammy and cold skin. He wanted to tear them off –- clothes and skin both. He stripped with urgency.  Getting into the shower had never felt more important in his life. He threw his clothes on the floor, kicked them across the room, and tore open the shower door.

He turned the shower knobs with one swipe. Warm or cold, he didn’t care. He only wanted to fill his ears with the sound of running water. Perhaps then they would finally stop ringing. Why? Why was he feeling this way? He recalled the pressure of a hand on his upper thigh, and a blurry image surfaced at the very edge of his mind. He reached for it, and gasped. A flurry of memories burst forth to play before him on fast forward.

The sharp edges of heavy chains scratching into his wrists. His naked back pressing down hard on icy tiles. Paralyzed. Unable to resist. Yet feeling everything with vivid clarity. Bangs of blinding pain exploding between his spread legs. His most sensitive flesh tearing, burning his lower body, racing up his spine and flaying him from the inside. Chocking on raspy screams. Begging his body to move -- to escape...

His legs gave out. His back fell against the wall, he slid down and his knees hit the wet floor with a slapping splash.  His chest constricted, trapping his aching lungs. He sucked in air like a downing man. His gasps sounded disturbingly loud in his own ears. _Shit! Please don’t let Gon hear!_

The memories he had thought were buried for good. He had hoped -- had done his best -- to kill. _But you can’t kill memories, can you?_ The only thing Killua actually wanted to murder, and he couldn’t. He’d tried so hard. So desperately.

Hot tears ran down his cheeks and mixed in with the water from the shower. His loud breathing reduced to quiet sobs. He raised his knees and hugged them tight against his chest.  His nails dug into his skin, and the discomfort provided a strangely sweet sense of relief. The memories teetered, offering to present themselves in more detail. _No! No more!_ This was too dangerous! He couldn’t afford to lose more control of his body like this. Not in front of Gon. Not ever in front of Gon.

Trembles raked his body. His throat felt swollen, muffling his sobs even further. He wasn’t sure if the wetness trickling down his face were tears or water anymore. This was pathetic. Crying over something -- over torture training that happened years ago. Downright pitiful. He didn’t despair over the other types of torture he had undergone. Electricity didn’t send him into a crying fit. Why should this be any different? It was over and done with. Irrelevant now.

And yet...If Gon saw him now, what would he think? Would Gon be disappointed in him? Killua wanted to laugh bitterly but his throat only allowed raspy sobs through. A hand on his thigh...That was all it took to break him? _Pathethic._ He wanted to be intimate with Gon. He had thought about it every lonely night for two years! Even allowed the occasional guilty fantasy. Tonight, he had finally been granted his chance, and **ruined** it. His past had ruined it for him. His cursed family was still stealing from his life.

The cold water raining down on his shoulders started to sting like tiny needles. He winced and shifted round. He was abruptly aware of exactly _where_ he was. How much time had passed since he got in the bathroom? Gon was waiting for him out there. What if he got suspicious? What if he came to check on him? He had locked the door, right?

His heart made an extra hard beat. He needed to get out of the bathroom _fast_. He clenched his jaw and forced strength back into his chilled body. His legs wobbled. It took him a minute to compose himself enough to turn off the water and step out of the shower.

By the time Killua shuffled out of the bathroom, the lights were turned out. A lump lay under the grey covers on the left side of the bed. True to his word, Gon had gone to bed. The question echoed in Killua’s mind; was Gon still awake? For once, he found himself hoping Gon hadn’t listened to him earlier.

Killua focused to hear Gon’s breathing pattern. With some trepidation, Killua crept the right side of the bed. The empty side where here he was, like every night for the past two weeks, expected to sleep beside Gon.

Gon lay on his back, seemingly asleep. His face looked serene. His black hair stuck out in every direction across the pillow. The duvet reached up to his neck, but Killua guessed Gon’s body was spread-eagled under the covers. Gon always ended up sprawled across as much of the bed as possible. Consequently, this also meant spread across Killua.

The thought of sleeping so close to Gon -- touching him right now, made Killua’s stomach wriggle uncomfortably. He eyed the room. A chair sat in the corner at the foot of the bed. He could sleep in that. The floor wouldn’t be too bad either. In fact, he didn’t even need to sleep at all. He could last days without sleep.

Killua’s gaze drifted back to the empty space on the bed again, then over to Gon’s relaxed face. His heart tugged at him, longing for the warm spot at Gon’s side, surrounded by Gon’s earthly and soothing scent. Yet he hesitated. The doubt in his mind, the shadow of what happened earlier, churned at him. He didn’t want a repeat. But if he didn’t get in the bed, then what would Gon think when he woke up and discovered the empty spot next to him?

Killua contemplated the risks of making up excuses. Gon wouldn’t buy them, although he might pretend to. Killua wouldn’t even buy them. He would have to compromise. He had to at least stay in the bed for the night, but not necessarily sleep. Slowly, Killua climbed into the bed, and laid down on his side with his back to Gon.

Despite Killua’s intentions to stay awake, Gon’s steady breathing eventually lulled him to sleep.

When Killua drifted back into conscious the next morning, his back pressed snuggly against Gon’s. The warmth from Gon’s back should feel reassuring to him, yet a strange sense of isolation stirred in his chest.

His t-shirt clung to his sweat-soaked skin. As he opened his eyes, he remembered fragments of nightmares. The images remained blurry and out of reach, but the sensations... So that’s why he hadn’t tossed and turned. In his nightmares, he had been paralyzed.

Gon’s whisper floated into Killua’s ears, “Killua, are you awake yet?”

Killua immediately shut it eyes. He didn’t want to answer. His throat felt sore. He attempted to groan but it came out more as a low hum. He was simply too tired to put effort into making sounds. He might as well feign sleep.

Gon shifted behind him. The mattress dipped, and then Killua felt Gon’s presence leaning over him.

For a moment, Killua wondered if Gon was going to try ‘waking’ him up. Instead, Gon got up from the bed, and went to the bathroom. After a minute, Gon emerged again and shuffled around. Clothes rustled, and Killua could tell Gon tried to dress quietly. When Gon was done, he padded across the floor.

The door clicked open and then shut.

Killua was left in silence except for the distant whirring of the hotel’s air condition. With only his thoughts for company, Killua turned over on his back.  Memories of last night’s events threatened to greet Killua good morning. He forced himself to focus on his left foot. Keeping his awareness on his body silenced his mind. Just like his training had taught him.

He scanned his skin and the largest muscles, but didn’t get to dvelve into the organs before a dull ache in his back nagged at him to get up. He sat up and squinted in the harsh daylight.

The door clicked open and Gon appeared, balancing a large lid-covered tray on one hand. He let go of the door handle to grip the tray more securely with both hands while the door closed via self mechanism behind him. Gon noticed Killua watching him and broke into a sunshine grin. “Breakfast?”

The sweet scent of pastry wafted through the room and Killua’s mouth watered. “What is it?” He crawled to the foot of the bed and sniffed the air. “Pancakes?”

Gon sat the tray down on the table connected to the bed. “Not just pancakes.” He made an exaggerated motion of presenting the dish,  and lifted the lid from the trey in the fashion of unveiling an extravagant piece of art. “May I present to you, the very, very, very best-”

“Chocolate pancakes!” Killua grinned and grabbed the utensils. As he stuffed a large bite of chocolaty goodness into his mouth, he noticed a mischievous glint in Gon’s smile. Killua then had a sneaking suspicion this breakfast didn’t actually come from the hotel kitchen. He was about to ask Gon about it but the bowl of snowy white cream to serve with the pancakes distracted him.

 

After the unexpected and delicious breakfast, Gon insisted on exploring the surrounding town. He took Killua by the hand and led him down a number of streets packed with stalls. The town they were visiting lay on a pine-covered mountainside surrounded by snow-capped peaks. The town itself was fairly large and the trading center of this mountain region. Killua and Gon had arrived just in time for the market week. At the end of every month, farmers and traders from every local village manned stalls selling everything from food to various handmade trinkets.

As they made their way through the food stalls, Gon insisted on buying Killua a sample of every homemade sweet he wanted. Killua was conflicted, wanting the treats yet hesitant to let Gon spend money on him.  After a brief ‘discussion’ in front of a confused looking stall keeper, Gon paid for two thirds of the sweets, and let Killua buy the rest.

Although Killua felt better about the compromise, he also couldn’t help wonder why Gon had let him get his way so easily. Even now in their mid-teens, Gon could wrap Killua around his fingers and they both knew it. Killua was even frightened to admit some deep part of him actually liked being swept up in Gon’s intense charm.

They walked close to each other, arms and shoulders brushing. Gon occasionally grabbed hold of Killua’s hand, held it for a while, and then dropped it again.

Every time Gon touched him, nervous tension crawled through Killua. He was keenly aware of everyone around them and where people’s eyes were looking. For the most part, nobody spared the two of them a glance. Unlike Gon, Killua still wasn’t used to showing even tiny displays of affection in public.

The whole day, Killua let Gon take the lead. After the market streets they visited the outskirts, and the famous wooden bridge across the unoriginal but appropriately named Dead Man’s Drop. To the awe of tourists and locals alike, Killua and Gon raced across the narrow bridge swaying over a deep canyon of jagged silvery rocks. On the other side, they spent some time sitting side by side, nibbling on cinnamon buns and enjoying the view of the surrounding valleys.

Back at the hotel, Killua had pretty much figured out the entire day had been Gon’s version of a disguised date. He knew Gon had tried to play it off as a day out because Gon’s dates were usually ridiculously, embarrassingly romantic. They put the one Gon had taken Palm on years ago to shame. Just thinking about it, Killua felt his face flush. He was glad Gon was using the bathroom and wouldn’t see him blush for no apparent reason. Gon would probably have asked what pleasant things he must be thinking about. Maybe even call him cute. It wouldn’t be the first time either. Killua flapped down on the bed, hid his face in a pillow, and groaned in utter self embarrassment.

Later that night, as Killua brushed his teeth, another thought came to him. He wondered if Gon was somehow trying to make something up to him. Like the incident the night before perhaps? Of course Gon wouldn’t just forget about it. Killua would have been foolish to think so in the first place. He didn’t want Gon to feel bad about what had happened. After all, it wasn’t Gon’s fault.

The thought of bringing it up in conversation made Killua’s skin feel too tight. He would just have to let Gon take him on ‘not’ dates or whatever else he wished. If it made Gon feel better, then Killua didn’t mind.

But the next few days, Gon didn’t try to take him on any more dates. However, Killua noted a new change in Gon’s behavior, and it unnerved him more than he liked to admit.

Gon touched him. A lot.

Killua knew Gon liked to show affection physically. Ever since they met at twelve years old, Gon had not been shy about physical contact – arms slung around shoulders, play fighting, nudging, fist bumping. Even the odd hair ruffling. And they still did those things. In fact, now that their relationship was... _more_ , new types of touches felt like pleasant additions to their companionship. Although Killua still wasn’t used large portions of gentleness from anyone except his sister, Aullka, he enjoyed it.

Until now.

Killua swore Gon had become more affectionate after they left the town. Every time they passed each other, Gon brushed Killua’s hand, arm, or shoulder. He Pressed his thigh against Killua’s every time they sat next to each other. When Killua was occupied with mundane things like packing clothes, Gon shuffled up behind him, humming a random tune, leaned his head over Killua’s shoulder, kissed him on the cheek then wandered back to whatever he was doing before.

When they checked in at a small inn,  Killua talked to the innkeeper when Gon’s arm slid around his waist.

Killua’s his pulse quickened, but he kept his composure.

The innkeeper handed Killua the room key, and Gon let go of him.

Since then, Gon often absently brushed Killua’s hip or waist when within his reach. The light fingers lingered only for seconds at a time, yet to Killua it felt like much longer.

Instead of sprawling all over Killua when he slept, Gon fell asleep with an arm brushed against Killua’s or held Killua’s hand. Despite falling asleep side by side, Gon still woke up with at least one appendage draped over some part of Killua’s body.

Killua noticed this because he woke up first. He carefully wiggled out from Gon’s grasp and lay still until Gon woke up. He then pretended to be woken up by Gon’s movements. The routine continued for the next three nights.

On the fourth day after the ‘incident’, Killua was high strung and overly aware of Gon’s actions at all times. He even found himself calculating exactly how many steps it would take for Gon to reach him from the distance between them. He calculated how fast he would have to leap or jump away from Gon. He was beginning to treat Gon as suspiciously as an enemy. And that disturbed Killua.

Every little touch of Gon’s bare skin sent burning little shivers through his flesh. Every time Gon’s hands encircled his waist or his hips, Killua’s spine tensed rigged and he had to fight against involuntarily holding his breath.

His own reactions were driving him mad. He hated how his body kept betraying him. His stomach nearly constantly churned with anxiety, and gave him heartburn. Every smile and cheerful tone took more effort than ever. He relished every bathroom visit, every little solo errand. He found solace in any moment of privacy. He used his time alone to steel himself, so he could face Gon with a new act of normalcy. He feared Gon would notice.

Killua splashed his face with biting cold water. It sent shivers through his shoulders and goose bumps up his back. His mind raced with thoughts of Gon. Killua felt certain Gon was touching him more on purpose. But why? Perhaps if he could just pin down the motive, he could solve it. Could it be...Was Gon trying to tell him something? Did Gon’s affections hold a hidden meaning?

Gon hadn’t held his waist and his hips this often before. Killua admitted he would probably use similar gestures himself to convey intimacy. Not that he had much experience in that department. Was Gon trying to hint at something?

Killua shook his head at the thoughts. Drops flew from his wet bangs and splattered across the mirror in front of him. It was unlike Gon to be subtle. He almost laughed at the absurdity. Gon had once thrown himself head first into a wall just to confirm he could break it with his forehead to win a bet. No, Gon was not calculative. He was impulsive and instinct driven. If Killua were to figure out the meaning behind Gon’s behavior, he had to look at his character.

He let the water on his face air-dry as he contemplated.

If Gon’s actions towards him were purely from instinct...then what instinct? Hugs and kisses from behind. Lingering touches along his waist and hips. The answer came quick. They could only mean one thing. Killua swallowed hard. _Desire_.

Cold sweat broke out across his face and neck. His stomach constricted. He inhaled sharply and braced his hands against the sink. Gon wanted to try again. Killua let the revelation sink in. What had started that night four days ago -- that’s what Gon wanted to finish.

Killua knew he shouldn’t be completely certain. A whisper in his head warned him about jumping to conclusions. Still, it hardly mattered in the end. Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow night, or a week from now, but one day, Gon would want to try being intimate with him again. It was natural, and it even made Killua feel a spark of happiness -- knowing he was wanted.

But what would happen when Killua was unable to give Gon what he wanted? What Gon expected?

Killua sank to the floor in self-disgust. Gon didn't deserve someone like him. He gulped. Someone...someone broken. Gon deserved someone who could give him the affection lovers are supposed to. And if Killua couldn’t give Gon pleasure...then they might as well go back to being friends only. But how could they? They had gone from best friends to...Killua still found the term “boyfriends” strange to think about. He loved Gon.  He was pretty sure he had for years. And two years of separation and longing had made him realize he could not escape his own feelings no matter how much he wished it at the time. How could he possibly handle going back to being friends after this?

He clutched the front of his shirt with a shaking fist. His heart ached and a know formed in his stomach. He didn’t want to leave Gon. _Not again, please, not again!_ He clenched his teeth, biting down hard enough to taste coppery blood. _I can’t be broken! I can’t!_ He had to do something. Anything. But what could he do? _I’ll fix it. I’ll get over it! I can do it! I have to do it..._

He gathered strength in his legs and hauled himself back up to stand in front of the sink. His back shivered. He wiped away a bead of blood from the corner of his mouth. He had a purpose.  Now he needed a plan. He would show Gon -- prove to Gon he wasn’t broken. He would be together with Gon, like he had longed for all these years. They wouldn’t have to part again.

With resolve, Killua exited the bathroom.

The harsh mountain wind rattled outside the small cottage they were staying in, as though it wanted to tear through and devour the warmth inside. In the dim yellowish light spilling from a night lamp, Gon sat cross-legged on the bed taking up half the space in the small bedroom. Gon’s eyes were glued to the pages of an outdoors life magazine he had found in one of the kitchen cupboards.

Killua stood in front the narrow bathroom door for a moment and simply watched Gon. Butterflies stirred in his stomach. He would do it now, he decided. Tonight, cooped up inside a cottage on a desolate mountainside, they had complete privacy, and practically zero possibility of interruption. 

 _But are you really sure you don’t wish to be interrupted?_ A voice sounding disturbingly like his brother Illumi, whispered in Killua’s mind.Abruptly, the realization of their isolation made his skin itch with goose bumps. It would have to be done now. Before his resolve failed him. No take-backs. No backing out. He took a deep, silent breath, and approached the bed.

Gon didn’t look up from his magazine, but scooted a little further up the bed to make more room.

Killua gingerly sat down on the hard mattress. He instantly regretted the action. He was acting too tense. He needed to appear casual and confident, not cautious and nervous. He nestled a little further up the bed until he was half an arm’s length away from Gon. And then his mind blanked. He hadn’t prepared what to say.

He internally slapped himself. Awkwardness crawled over him. He shifted his weight around while his mind raced. He couldn’t think of what to say. “Kiss me” didn’t fit the mood. There wasn’t even a mood yet to fit into. “Kiss me?” sounded too uncertain. Every other phrase and line he could think of made him want to cringe. Maybe he should just ditch the talking.

His heartbeats reverberated in his ears. He reached out with one hand and touched Gon’s knee.

Gon looked up from his magazine and met Killua’s gaze with interest. “Killua, wha--”

Killua surged forward and pressed his mouth to Gon’s. Their teeth clanked together and small shock-waves shot through Killua’s jaw. He immediately softened the kiss, fearing Gon might pull away from him.

Gon followed Killua’s movements, apparently unaffected by the rough start, and pushed back into the kiss with enthusiasm. He placed his hands firmly on Killua’s waist.

Icy jolts shuddered up Killua’s back. His pulse sped up. He put his arms around Gon’s neck and pressed his body closer, feeling the heat radiating from Gon’s chest like an open fire.  He pushed the tip of his tongue against Gon’s mouth, telling Gon what he wanted.

Gon parted his lips eagerly and met Killua’s tongue with his own.

Killua swept his tongue against Gon’s and all around the inside of his mouth. Saliva dribbled down his chin, and cooled against his skin.

Muffled moans rumbled from Gon’s throat. Breaths from Gon’s nose blow against Killua’s face. Yet Gon kept kissing back with vigor and stroked Killua’s lower back.

Killua’s blood burned. Bolts of adrenaline shot through Killua’s body as though preparing to fight a strong opponent. Tremors erupted down his arms and spine. _No! Not now!_ He couldn’t let his body do this now. He inhaled sharply through his nose. He kissed Gon harder, almost to the point of pain. He would not let the fear overcome him! He plunked his hands onto Gon’s shoulders, and pushed his body flush against Gon’s.

Gon’s back hit the wooden headboard with a thump. He groaned, but didn’t break his mouth from Killua’s.

Killua’s thighs trembled supporting him above Gon’s lap. His stomach squirmed as though dozens of tiny worms wriggled inside it.  His lungs gasped for air, but Killua dared not break the kiss. He needed to speed things up before he lost control. His hands shook, but he forced them to feel down Gon’s hard chest.

Gon gasped against Killua’s mouth. “Ki -- Killua!”

Killua’s heart hammered against his ribs like a drum roll counting down his last moments. His instincts screamed at him to fight or flee. He refused to lose to his body. Not now! He thrust a hand downwards, pushing it down Gon’s stomach towards his groin. He needed to get this done. While he still could!

Gon’s mouth broke contact. “Killua!” He panted. “Killua, stop!”

Gon’s words rang in his ears, but it took a moment before comprehension sunk in. _Stop?_ His hand halted its decent and quavered. His shoulders trembled as though pierced with biting coldness. His shaking legs gave out and he thumped down on Gon’s thighs.

Killua’s heart thundered as though trying to burst free his chest. And he almost wished it would. He didn’t dare look directly into Gon’s eyes, afraid of what emotions he would see in them. Gon had told Killua to stop. Why? Why did Gon tell him to stop? The warm spots on his back where Gon had touched him cooled. _Why isn’t Gon touching me anymore? What have I done? I...I’ve done something wrong?...I’ve ruined it! Ruined everything..._

A frown appeared on Gon’s face. His lips were wet and red. He dropped his arms and remained still. “Killua? Why are you doing this? What’s wrong?” In the silent room, Gon’s low voice broke through Killua’s thoughts like thunder. “Killua look at me, please? Tell me what’s wrong.”

A horrible coldness rolled over Killua and chilled him to the bone. The warmth from Gon’s thighs didn’t reach into his body at all. He bowed his head, his silvery white bangs shielding his eyes from Gon’s view. His throat felt closed up and swollen. He shakily shook his head. _No. I can’t! I’m sorry, Gon! I can’t!_

“Please, Killua,” Gon pleaded. “Maybe I can help you?”

 _No, you can’t._   Killua chewed his bottom lip and tasted blood. His hands balled into tightly clenched fists.

 “Was it something I did?” Gon swallowed audibly. “Did I...hurt you?

Killua’s heart jumped to his throat. _No, nonono. Gon! It’s not your fault!_   He wanted to look into Gon’s eyes and tell him so, but his body refused to move. He forced himself to take a slow breath. His throat ached as he mumbled, “N -- no. It’s not you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gon let out a breath. “Then what is it? Please tell me, I want to help you.”

“I’m fine,” Killua panted. The trembles surging through his back made his muscles feel beyond his control. 

“No, you’re not.” Gon’s voice strained as though fighting to remain calm. “Killua, you’re _shaking_. I can’t tell you’re not fine. I just want to help you. So please just tell me?” Gon put his hands on Killua’s shoulders.

Killua shied away as though Gon’s hands burned him. He scrambled off Gon’s lap and barely managed to stop himself from falling on his back against the mattress. “I’m fine! There is nothing wrong with me! I..I’m not **broken**.”

The wind howled outside the cottage, and the wooden walls creaked.

Gon’s silence crushed upon Killua like tons of cold steel. His lungs felt too tight. Why? Why wasn’t Gon saying anything? He struggled to breath. Gon was rejecting him? Gon was fed up with him. Tired of the lying, broken, _pathetic_ Killua who couldn’t even kiss his boyfriend without freaking out. Who could possibly want someone like him? Gon would leave him. Without even saying a word.

 _No!_ He couldn’t let that happen! Not again. He had to do something -- say something -- quickly!

He threw himself into Gon’s chest and clung to Gon’s shirt with trembling hands, almost tearing the fabric. “Don’t leave!”

Gon yelped and Killua saw his eyes widen.

Killua rasped in a shaky breath and forced the words to wheeze from his throat. “There’s nothing wrong with me! Nothing!” He pushed his forehead into the crook of Gon’s shoulder with force. “I’m **not** broken! I’m **not** broken! I’m not I’m not I’m not! I am not **broken**!”

 “...Killua...” Gon’s whisper sounded pained.

Killua’s breath hitched and all strength sapped from his limbs. Tears stung his eyes. He desperately fought against the sobs aching in his throat. What had he done? Oh gods what had he done? He’d crossed the last line. His control was gone.

“It’s okay, Killua,” Gon murmured above Killua’s hair. “I’m here. You’re okay.”

Hot tears leaked from Killua’s eyes and soaked his cheeks. Sobs finally rasped out of his’s searing throat. He had ruined everything. He had failed. And now he was crying into Gon’s shoulder like a kid. Truly, Killua was weak. And now Gon knew it. He wanted to run away but his body refused to move. “I’m sorry, Gon. I -- I never wanted -- I...I’ll fix it, I promise.”

Crushing pressure wrapped around his ribcage and squeezed the air out of him. Every breath was like fire between wheezing sobs. His tear blurred vision darkened. He was suffocating. He knew it. He remembered the sensation from many years ago while his own warm blood pooled around him. And years before that, when poison clogged his veins. He was dimly aware of the quakes tumbling through his body. His awareness seemed to float somewhere inside him, watching his body act on its own.

“Killua,” A fuzzy, muffled sound broke through the haze. “Killua focus. Focus on my voice.”

 _Gon?_ He blinked up at the dark blurry figure in front of him.

“Killua, listen to me. You’re safe.” Gon’s voice sounded clouded, as through ear muffs.

Killua breathed in deeply. I tried to say Gon’s name but a lump blocked his voice.

Gon’s mouth came into focus as it moved. “You don’t have to apologize. You don’t have to do anything.” His voice sounded clearer now.  “You can tell me anything you want. Whenever you want.”

Killua sobbed and sniffed, tears burning his eyes. “Gon, it hurts.” 

“Just breathe, Killua. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry”

Killua weakly shook his head. “No. It’s not. I’m weak.” His lungs screamed like they would burst through his chest. How could his heart still beat like this?

“Crying is not weak. And you’re not weak. You’re strong, amazing, and brilliant. Everything will be okay. And I love you. I love you so much, Killua.”

Killua bit down on his lower lip and shook his head again, and his bangs flopped against his clammy skin. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m broken.” Killua’s throat felt dry. His words came out raspy. “I...I can’t give you what you want.” Killua bowed his head lower. “I can’t give you s...sex.” The pressure around his ribs lightened a little, yet he couldn’t muster to raise his head and look at Gon’s face.

For a few seconds, Killua listened to Gon’s steady breath. Gon’s chest rose and fell calmly beneath his hands.

“That’s okay, Killua.” Gon didn’t sound mad or disappointed. Instead, his voice carried...affection? “I don’t want sex. I want to be with you. You don’t have to do anything. I still love you.”

No. Gon was supposed to reject him. Surely he realised his best friend had hidden a huge dark secret from him all these years? “But I’m broken. And weak. And pathetic.” His voice broke and he hiccupped. “I can’t even kiss you anymore. My body just freaks out.”

Gon chest rose in a deep breath. “Killua, I won’t leave you.” Gon’s voice bore calm strength. “Not again. I’ll stay with you forever.”

Killua wanted to laugh bitterly and cry at the same time. Was this a cruel joke? Was his mind telling him what he wanted to hear now? Killua swallowed and raised his head enough to peer up at Gon’s face.

Gon’s eyes shone with resolve. A fearless confidence Killua associated with every unbelievable act Gon had ever pulled off and turned Killua’s entire world on its head. “I won’t leave you over something like that. You don’t have to kiss me. You don’t have to do anything with me you don’t want. I still love you, you know. I want to stay with you. So please, Killua. Stay with me.”

Killua sniffed and fresh tears trickled from his eyes. _You’re too much..._ “Gon, I...my training--years ago – things were done to me and...” He looked at the night lamp. The light bit into his eyes but his tears were already spent. “I thought I was over it. But things we did brought it back and... It still...hurts.”

“Do you want to tell me?” Gon murmured. “It’s okay if you don’t. I won’t think less of you.”

“I...it’s just....” He hiccupped and wetness from his cheeks, “hard.” He wiped his face with his sleeve.  “I hate the way it makes me feel.”

Fingertips brushed against Killua’s left hand, asking for permission to touch.

Hesitantly, Killua reached out and gently laid his hand in Gon’s palm. His heart fluttered at the warmth radiating from Gon’s hand. It flowed up his arm like a reverse river and started to spread through his shoulder. A sense of comfort, like being wrapped in a thick blanket, floated over him. He gazed up at Gon’s face.

A warm smile graced Gon’s lips. His eyes twinkled in the dim light. Killua had never seen a more honest expression in his life.

The warm river filled his chest and calmed his frightened heart, like a wild animal gaining trust. He supposed it wasn’t too far from the truth. He looked at Gon’s earnest eyes. _Great Hunters are liked by animals..._ He internally snorted and gave Gon’s hand a small squeeze.

Gon’s smile widened and he returned the gesture. “Do you...want to hug?”

The question sounded so innocent it reminded Killua of how Gon used to be when they first met. Even though Gon’s voice was masculine and deeper now, he still managed to sound like a sweet child. The puppy eyes only enhanced it.

Killua felt a tired smile tug at his lips. His muscles ached with soreness as though he’d just fought for his life. A never-ending flow of sunshine warmth seemed to flow from Gon’s hand. Killua’s upper body was blanketed in it, as though the sun shone upon his bare skin and soothed his nerves. He considered Gon’s question, then nodded once.

Gon slowly lifted his free arm, making sure Killua saw his movements clearly, then gently wrapped it around Killua’s shoulders. “Is this okay?”

Killua couldn’t remember Gon ever touching anything with so much care. He shifted his body closer to Gon and nodded. “...Yeah.”

Gon cuddled them closer together until their chests touched. The scent of fresh air still clung to his hair and clothes. Gon practically embodied a bright summer day.

The muscles in Killua’s back melted in Gon’s embrace and his body fell against Gon’s. He nuzzled Gon’s neck and inhaled deeply. Gon’s natural smell washed over him.  Enclosed in heat and familiar scents, he sighed deeply.

Gon chuckled. “That tickles.”

Killua’s mouth broke into small smile. He pressed his cheek against Gon’s shoulder. “M’not sorry.”

Gon chuckled again, and the sound vibrated through his chest.

Killua tentatively wrapped his free arm around Gon’s waist, felt the firm muscles easily through Gon’s clothes. A deep, primal sense of safety permeated him, as though Gon’s very being put a spell on him. His thoughts drifted. He wondered if Gon had used Nen on him. Maybe he should ask later. Now, he felt too drained to do anything other than lean into Gon with all his weight.

His body felt like jelly. His ribcage bore a dull ache, and his lungs felt as though a huge pressure had lifted off them. His eyes fluttered closed. Sleep hadn’t been this tempting since the first time he’d stayed awake for a week. He let out a long breath. Surely Gon wouldn’t mind if he just...napped on him a little...Just for...a little...while...

___

 

“My family wanted me to resistant to all widespread torture types. Sexual torture is not that common. But it is used all over the world. And I guess they thought it was likely to happen to me if I got caught.” Laying on his side on the bed, Killua paused to catch his breath. His entire body felt sore and stiff, like after a long battle. The woolen blanket draped over him itched against arms, but the comfort of warmth outweighed the discomfort.

“I was often drugged –- I never found out what it was. I never got immune to it. I...” A lump formed in his throat and he had to swallow it down before he continued. “I couldn’t move. But I felt everything. I had trained for years -- electricity, needles, knives, poison, burns –- I thought I was used to pain. Thought I’d handle it.... But it -- it wasn’t like...”

Gon laid next to him, his expression soft with acceptance. One arm draped across Killua’s waist, and fingers caressed his shoulder blades, loosening the tension building there.

Killua closed his eyes and concentrated on the rhythm of Gon’s touch. “I felt like everything was taken from me. My control –- my body –- my mind. The pain was...everywhere. Not just my body -- but... like my mind was...invaded... Kinda like when Illumi’s needle was inside my head but more...intense.” He opened his eyes to gauge Gon’s reaction.

Gon’s eyes narrowed and his lips pulled tighter together, but he let Killua speak without interruption.

“And I couldn’t stop it. I tried everything I’d learned. But my mind just...I couldn’t think -- I...” He clenched his teeth and willed away the tightening knot in his chest. He took another deep breath before he continued. “I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. I...I wanted to die –- I just wanted the pain to stop. ”

He felt a spark of embarrassment at admitting his fear. His pride protested, but right now he didn't care. He had probably sounded like some hopeless girl from a clichéd romance novel earlier. He couldn't recall the details, and he didn't want to either.

“Killua...” Gon’s stopped stroking Killua’s back. His voice dropped to a tone so deep it was almost a growl. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really want to do something bad to your family right now.” A small, rueful laugh escaped him, as though his own thoughts saddened him. “You know...when we were kids, I didn’t really understand exactly what you meant when you told me you’d been trained to endure torture. I actually never thought it over until last year. And I realised it was bad. Really bad. But this...They did something like _that_ to their own family. I can’t ever forgive them.”

Killua’s eyes widened. He knew what Gon must be imagining, and it made his stomach turn over. He didn’t want Gon to imagine Killua being...’trained’ by members of his family. “Oh! Shit No! I mean... None of them actually did... _that_. It was all...” Embarrassment rolled over him. He didn’t want to explain details. “Equipment and...like stuff they sell in shops but...modified a bit.”

“Oh.” Gon turned quiet, as though sensing Killua’s discomfort.

Killua wondered if Gon even understood what he meant. He couldn’t imagine Gon inside an adult shop. “Probably didn’t matter, though.” He attempted to shrug, but the movement turned a little shaky. “Hell, it was probably designed to cause more pain than a real person would anyway.”

Gon grimaced. “That...doesn’t really make me feel better about it.” A look of sadness and pain crossed over him. “They hurt you. I want to hurt them back, but I know I’m not strong enough yet. It makes me feel so useless. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. I want to help you.” Gon looked straight into Killua’s eyes. “If there’s anything I can do. Tell me. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to help you.”

Killua knew Gon meant every word. Yet the honesty caught him off guard. He couldn’t think of anything Gon could do to help him.

“Killua. You’re not broken.” Gon leaned his face closer. Killua could feel Gon’s breath ghost over the tip of his nose “You can be helped. I know it. It’s okay if you don’t want to. You don’t have to. But you can.”

“But I -- ” But what? Killua lowered his eyes and stared into the dark crevice between the duvet and the mattress. What could he even argue? ‘I can’t see myself having sex anymore even though fantasized about it for years’? ‘I can’t because I have too much pride to accept help’? He shifted, pinched a fold in the sheets and absently rolled it between his fingers. “I...want to fix it. I’m just...I don’t like feeling...like I can’t do anything for myself.” _I hate feeling vulnerable._

Gon moved his face back a few inches “It’s up to you, Killua. I’ll help you. But only if you tell me to. I’m at your command.” He flashed a grin way too goofy for the implications his words held.

“At my command, huh?” Killua’s mouth quirked. “I’ll remember you said that.” Two weeks ago, he would have found more amusement in Gon’s unintentional suggestive wording. But right now a murky feeling still lingered in his gut. “I really want to fix it. I’ll...do anything to fix it.” _Anything to be closer to you._

Gon’s mouth morphed into the familiar sunshine grin Killua loved. He squeezed Killua’s shoulder, then moved his face up and deliberately kissed the top of Killua’s hair. He wriggled back down and faced Killua. “Is it okay if I kiss your forehead too?”

Killua snorted softy. “Idiot.” He wasn’t made of glass. Gon didn’t have to act as if a sudden move would shatter him. However, Gon's expression held no hints of teasing. Killua secretly felt glad Gon had asked.

Gon cocked his head to the side. “Does that mean yes, or no?”

Killua’s response was reaching to pull Gon closer, and planting a kiss on his cheek. “It’s a yes...this time.”

His challenges were far from over, but for the time being, hope rested in his heart.

 


End file.
